Glorious Beginnings

“E no go better for this girl.” 

Those were the words running through my head as I swallowed another morsel of Eba. I stared at the beautiful girl who sat across from me. Her name, Glory, mine, Destiny. Her name was perfect for her, everything about her was absolutely stunning, glorious even, Mine? Not so much. Rather, it would seem good things were not in my destiny. This girl, with her voluptuous breasts, her thin waist and her rather impressive “Barca” defense, looked like everything a man could dream of.

Now, you might be wondering why I, a man,  was cursing her in my head. After all, I had everything, food, drinks, and a sexy girl on my arm.

Life is sweet, right?

WRONG!!!!!!

Now before you call me a mad man, let me explain

I had been eying Glory for a while now. I had first seen her one day, in my area, while headed home from another terrible day of boring lectures, and even more boring lecturers who cracked dry jokes instead of teaching the stupid course. I needed a distraction from my boring life, and lo and behold, there was God’s Glory walking down the streets, her massive behind swaying behind her, calling to me like the way the Red Sea called to pharaoh.

Then, I had thought she was god sent, little did I know that this girl was the devil’s little sister. In fact, the Devil is still learning when compared to this girl.

As a sharpshooter, I quickly got her number. It was easy, maybe even too easy. That should have been my first clue to run away and never look back. But a boring life makes for a stupid man. And boy was I bored and maybe even more stupid.  I called her that night, dropping lines, and making her laugh. I’m pretty sure I said some stupid things that day; maybe even a lot of stupid things. But damn, if you see her, you would understand. The way this girl is built, no man can think clearly in her presence. And in her absence, all you would think of is her. It is like she casts a spell on you just by existing.

Fast forward to a couple of days later, we had started having video calls, gossiping about her friends and mine and doing all other kinds of nonsense things that boys do when they are seeking the promised land with a girl. Then just like that, a week after meeting this she-devil, I invited her over.  The three seconds of silence before she agreed to visit me almost killed me. I forgot to breathe and my heart was busy doing leg work in my chest.. Her voice, her smooth silky voice, when she said “Yeah, sure. I’ll come over.” sent shivers down my spine. I didn’t even hear the rest of what she said, something like; “Nothing will happen o, we will just hang out.” Me? The same me that was in heaven singing “Glory be to the Lord, Alleluia.” Will I hear all that? 

TUFIAKWA!!!!!!

On D-day, I was up by 5 in the morning. This stupid girl had ruined my sleep. I will shift her womb as payback. That was the motivation that kept me going. I swept my room, the verandah, and even the rest of the compound. Oga Landlord was just nodding his head, as he watched me work. In my mind, even he was signing off on the womb shifting about to happen. By 9 I was done cleaning, already bought drinks, left them chilling in the mini fridge I had spent all my savings on. And I had decided on making spaghetti for lunch when she was around. The shower I took was probably the only one my mother would approve of in all my life. I washed everywhere and some special places were washed twice, just to be safe.

It was 7 O’clock before Glory called to apologize that she was no longer coming. My dear reader, that day, I could not cry. It was like my soul had been put under Yokozuna. I was crushed, but I played it cool. I didn't get pissed, I didn't even let my voice show my disappointment. And when I asked why she couldn’t make it, she told me. Her answer threw me completely off my game.  You know what her reason was? Try and guess. Please, please, please and please, try and guess. I know you will never guess right. 

You know what she was doing? My dear, my beautiful Glory was sleeping. The African in me is shouting, my glory will not sleep in Jesus name.

I kept my own company that night. Lying down on the bed where no one around could hear my mental sobs. Even the rats did not come that night. They knew I would take out my anger and frustration on anything available that night. Dear reader, with nothing better to do and in need of a quick fix, I’m not proud of myself, but I opened the hub and jerked off my sorrows and woes. 

That night I slept angry. 

A lot more hit and miss encounters like that. And by a lot, I mean exactly fifty-six invitations within the last three months. Don’t judge me, men tend to think with their heads only after the smaller head has been fed its desired meal. And the only meal mine wanted was Glory. 

I already knew how I wanted her to hook her legs, what I would do to make her “scream daddy more”. I’m not her father but I was going to show her who's her daddy. Different excuses always came up, today her father was home so she would not come, tomorrow her father wasn’t home so she could not leave the home alone. This girl kept me waiting on a long thing.  Again, I repeat, DO NOT JUDGE ME.

I should have known from all this. My guardian angel was working overtime. He or she was trying to keep me safe and alive. Keep me away from this demoness. God was trying to intervene. But you know how it is. The child that wants to go missing, will leave the house on his own two legs -Destiny, 2025. 

And then today, after I had given up on meeting her, was the day my own child decided to finally get lost. Guess who called me that she was at my gate? 

You guessed it.

Dear reader, I did not know whether she was pulling what was left of my legs or she was being serious, but when I opened the gate and saw her standing there in all her shapely beauty, I almost sang “all glory, glory, glory to the lord.” But we both know I didn’t. Couldn't lose my steeze like that.

So now that you know how we got here. Let me tell you why I’m currently pissed at one of God’s greatest gifts to mankind. See when she arrived, I had just finished making one lovely vegetable soup that I planned to eat with Eba, for those who don’t know, that is Garri or cassava flakes in swallow form. Naturally, as the gracious host that I was, I offered to make her own Eba too. She accepted and even made a little joke about my cooking skills.

Before you ask, I am an excellent cook. My mother's slippers made sure of that.

It was when the water was still boiling that I made my move. I lay on the bed beside her, watching her use her phone, then I used the excuse of not seeing the screen clearly to snuggle even closer and long story short we were soon kissing. My hands caressed her body, from her face to her breasts; which are as soft as bread fresh from the oven, to her beautiful behind that everything seemed to revolve around. She was soon whimpering in my ears and I knew I had her. Oh my dear reader, I was finally going to make a glorious comeback and finally win this match.

It was then that trouble started, first I suddenly remembered the water on fire and then as if guided by some stupid hand of fate, my leg kicked her mini purse as I stood up and out fell the contents. A quick glance showed nothing out of the ordinary, a make-up kit, some of those pencil things, a sanitary pad, and a bunch of other things you would normally expect.

Yes. Sanitary Pad. This stupid girl was on her period and she wanted me to “do the do” with her?

Over my dead body. The True Nigerian in me just screamed, “I will not die in Jesus name.”

Anyway, that’s why I’m here angrily eating eba watching the love of my life sway on this girl’s chest, unable to touch her.

“I know you are disappointed. I honestly thought you’d be cool with it, I know guys who are; after all it’s not my first day.” Her voice still did wonders to my head. I shivered as the melody of it passed into my ears, circulated around my entire body before flowing back out. This girl is a sea-witch after all. Damn. 

“You know, you don’t have to lose all the way through, I could always just give you a blow job?” 

Dear reader, I am sorry. But it seems that the glory of the lord has made a way, good things are now in my Destiny. This is where I’ll leave you for now. Thank you, come and be going.