Rent Psychosis

RENT PSYCHOSIS 

"DO you like it?" the agent asked. 

The couple beamed. The woman said, "I love it." She looked at her husband. "Honey, talk nau. Don't you like the house?" 

Honey was looking up at a spot in the ceiling. The plaster there had turned a deep brown and black. There was a faint frown on his face. "Are you going to fix that?" he asked. 

The agent looked up at the spot. His lips turned at the corners in a dismissive curl. "Don't worry, the caretaker will do something about it." 

"When?" honey asked. 

The agent looked at him, smiling patronizingly, like house agents do when it looks like the deal is about to go awry. "I talked to him this morning and he said he'll call in the people who will do it tomorrow." 

"Okay, let me have the caretaker's number," honey said, "I want specifics. Not promises." 

The agent looked at honey's wife, again, the way house agents do when they know the only one who can save the deal is the wife of the client. "Madam, talk to oga nau. You will lose this house if you play o. A lot of people want this house but I saved it for you because you begged me."

And indeed, wife did beg the agent. The moment she saw the pictures on Facebook, she bugged honey endlessly about the cute little island in the middle of the kitchen, and the bone-white bath tub in the bathroom. She even described to honey how bathtub lovemaking was the bomb. Honey was sold. But now, honey didn't look sold anymore. 

The agent was becoming impatient. 

"Honey, it took us months to get this house," she whined into honey's ear, "Let's just pay, then they can fix the ceiling later." 

Honey shook his head. "No way. That's what they all say. Once he collects money now, that's all. We're on our own. They must fix it or we're not paying."

"Ah," the agent said. 

"Honey, this house is cheap. And you know how Lagos houses keep increasing every time." 

Honey said, " Don't worry. We will get another one."

"Oga agent, give us a moment," wife said. When they have the moment, she turned to honey. "What's wrong with you nau? So you want us to be arguing in the presence of the agent? So you are going to make us lose this house because of dirty ceiling?"

Honey grimaced and pointed at the ceiling. "So you don't know what that is? That's mold. It's very poisonous. That's what killed Bamidele's first child. You've forgotten?" 

Wife looked up at the mold infested ceiling and exhaled. She said a resigned, "Okay." 

As they walked out of the house, honey checked his Opay again. The numbers in the balance were a pitiful N257,860.00.

The rent is N1.2 million.